want to live as a cis guy

i have an unsupportive family and i can never tell if my doubts about wanting to start testosterone or even being ftm come from their denial or not. im always so worried and i desperately want to live as a cis guy in the future. nothing about me feels connected with being trans guy or being a girl (not that theyre synonymous or similar in any way), and i believe its internalized transphobia, but i just feel more valid calling myself cis. idk. i just wish some part of me was normal