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31/12/2015

Thoughts on The Danish Girl

... since it's similar to About Ray? I believe Eddie Redmayne (cis-male) portrays a transwoman who only realised she was a woman after cross-dressing as a game with her wife. It seems to be portrayed positively and respectfully, like About Ray, despite AR's ignorant director. I don't mind them using cis-actors since really good trans actors are hard to find (as in, not easily discovered) and these films are only just starting to become mainstream. Its a good start to me.

30/12/2015

I regret trying to work as a male.

I had an interview today to be a security guard. It’s my dream job, only beaten by maybe police officer and international superspy. (And yeah, I know, what an incredibly mundane dream, but eh. We can’t all be actors and presidents and superstars!) I had the interview in the bag, job was mine, I had been assured of this. I had only one step left. I leaned forward, and asked “Is it alright for me to be hired as a male?”
I’ve been living as a male full time except for work for, oh, two years now? I had always just dealt with being a female at work because money is important. Money leads to surgery and legal sex change. But lately I’ve decided that I want to be male everywhere I go. I hear of trans women having no problems in this regard, being gendered correctly as long as they made it known that was what they wanted, so why should I? I pass just fine.
Instead i got a stammering response and an obviously uncomfortable boss who didn’t know how to respond. He basically said he’d never dealt with this situation before, he’ll talk to HR, he doesn’t let his personal politics get into things, ect, ect. And the whole time a feeling of dread was growing in me. I had fucked up. I was finally going to get my dream job and I just had to open my stupid mouth and fuck it up.
I left with assurances i would get further information by e-mail for the next few steps. I haven’t received anything. I’ll wait until next Friday, then go back to looking for other work. 
It should have been a happy day for me. Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut and accept being called a girl, if only for a little while longer? Hell, I can’t even whine at my best friend and tell him what I did, because he’d basically tell me I was an idiot for trying. So I’m confessing it here, the fact I did it, and the fact I regret it with every fiber of my being.

29/12/2015

BS

That "Good Samaritan" thing is bullshit. It's as if you're saying people who are stealth are not good or thoughtful people because they aren't out, putting themselves out there or at risk for violence or dysphoric situations, to inspire strangers. To those people who could be stealth and choose not to be to be supportive, good on you. But don't act like those who don't aren't as good. Not wanting to sacrifice my well-being for complete strangers does not make me a bad person.

28/12/2015

Why be a feminine transman?

Super feminine trans men make me really uncomfortable. I know that gender expression is not dictated by identity and I really want to be supportive of people wearing what they want, but trans men already get enough shit about just being "tomboys" or "girls dressing like guys," and when I see someone all decked out in makeup and a dress and heels and acting all cutesy and feminine while saying they're a boy, I just feel like I'm being made fun of or being made a mockery of.

27/12/2015

Big?

is it just me or do y'all feel like your top is still to big?

26/12/2015

Apologies

I submitted a confession and said Bruce instead of Caitlyn. Apologies.

25/12/2015

Vacuuming?

U said something about 'vacuuming' it. I know what it is but what o u mean by vacuuming

24/12/2015

Conundrum

I'm a closet trans who find myself caught in a similar Bruce Jenner conundrum - will transitioning cause my kids be ostracised in school? At the same time, if I don't transit, I feel that I am not being authentic, which I want my kids to be. Any gen-y/zer weigh in your opinions.

Not dysphoric but

I don't have dysphoria or anything, I'm okay with my body. Sometimes I like dressing up girly, but sometimes I like dressing up like a guy. But I know I'm not gender fluid because I would still like to be perceived as a guy. Is that okay? Or..???

23/12/2015

Money is everywhere

Not really a question but a suggestion for those who cant afford top surgery. Fitness Challenges (gyms or meetme) Under-the-table work (fix things) Fundraisers Its all about the hustle (legal or illegal) #TryItAndSee #MoneyIsEverywhere #PeaceOut

22/12/2015

As a black transman of color..

... I am afraid of being attacked or killed by police or over-vigilant people with weapons. This is my biggest fear next to losing my entire religiously conservative family. 
My birth gender offered me about some protection. My actual gender offers me none. I am not physically powerful and use a cane. I am also afraid this will invite attackers who wish to take advantage of my physical weakness to prove themselves.

21/12/2015

Cis envy

Cis men have it easy in life. What they say goes, it’s their way or the highway, and they know it all, and they hold it all over everyone else’s head!

20/12/2015

Can't tell grandma

I came out to my parents and some friends some time ago, but I can´t get up the courage to tell my grandma. I´m so much closer to my grandma than I  am to my parents. I feel it´s harder to tell someone that you can´t ever fulfill their expectations if you love that person so much more than any other being. I know she will love me in the end, but it´s just so terribly hard to make the first step.

19/12/2015

Scream

i'm almost twenty and i consider myself trans, but i identify publicly as a girl. i have no true friends and an abundance of family that would condemn me for being who i am and i'm so lonely i want to scream

18/12/2015

Frust

Every time I see a cis man in the bathroom I get so frustrated that he doesn’t appreciate the dick he has like I want one.

17/12/2015

Ways to come out to family?

Could anyone recommend ways for me to come out as trans to my family? (They seem pretty open and liberal, but I'm still somewhat unsure of how they would react. I'm afraid, but not afraid enough to stay closeted around them for much longer. I think I would go insane.)

16/12/2015

Help?

Hi I recently came out as trans (to a part of my family, handful of friends and well, now tumblr xD) I only know one trans-guy (I hate using that word!) and we've become good friends. But I don't want to bother him all the time with all my questions. So I'm looking to meet some more people that have/are in my situation. I was just wondering if you would be able to guide me through the process? (I know it's different for everyone) I'm just waiting for my first therapy appointment :) thanks :)

15/12/2015

That binder shop in Singapore

I'm in Singapore for a few says now and all I can think of is this binder shop I've heard of being here. It's so near yet I know I'll never get a chance to go and buy one. Life sucks.

14/12/2015

Thank you

I love this blog and it has helped me so much in coming to terms with myself, thank you

13/12/2015

Trying to return support

Within two weeks of coming out to her, my mum offered to take me shopping for more comfortable clothes. I was so thankful that she was being so supportive and really wanted to show her that. I tried so hard to be in a good mood but it was really stressful. My bandages kept coming undone around my chest and my hips were making it hard to find fitting clothes and I ended up breaking down and shutting off a bit. I feel so guilty because she made a huge effort to help me be more comfortable and I feel like I ruined it.

12/12/2015

I Feel Bad About Other Trans Guys

I feel really dickish because I’m a transguy who passes, and I just went to a new school where all my old class mates accept me and won’t tell so no one knows I’m trans (roughly four hundred people who don’t know) so I’m just assumed male, and I’m pre T as well.

And I feel bad because I read all these stories about other trans guys who don’t pass and who are kicked out and I’m just here like the opposite.

This might sound like a call for attention but I just want to say that I feel bad. I’m a trans guy yet the only thing I truly experience like them is dysphoria but mine isn’t that bad (most of the time it isn’t, there’s other times I feel completely terrible) because my body just kinda looks male and I don’t have curves and I have broad shoulders and a deep voice and male face and only very small breasts (I still hate them) and I just feel bad. I’ll never experience what they do and I feel privileged. Not that I want to feel what they do, but it’s hard because if I meet a trans guy I won’t be able to relate that well.

11/12/2015

i'm desperately in love with him

... and he knows it, and loves me too. we're open, but call each other husbands. he helped me realise i was trans. but he's "gay" - as in, only for men born with dicks... and it kills me that he's not into me /sexually/ because i have a vagina. it's been five years. recently he started crushing on a cis guy and told me and i told him how inadequate it made me feel and he insists it'll go nowhere but i'm terrified i'm not good enough for him because i'm not cis enough

10/12/2015

Time of Month (trigger?)

Every time my body commits treason it is a literal battle. I become physically ill to the point where I can’t function. It’s like my body is screaming that it’s not supposed to be happening. And I feel every fucking second of it.
I never hate my body as much as I do when it happens.
Less than a week until my T appointment. I just have to hold out for a little longer cause sometimes I feel like it’s gonna be the thing that pushes me over the edge.

09/12/2015

Where are they?

I would love to date a MtF, every guy I've met has had a awesome personality and all around great people. Unfortunately, they're either taken or only date slender dudes. Where are the chubby chasers??

08/12/2015

Don't wanna be a dick

I'm out in my high school (though I don't pass for anything except a butch lesbian) and the drumline I march with has been really supportive! They always make sure to use my correct name and pronouns- except this one guy. He's the only one who uses my birth name without apologizing and/or fixing it and I never want to correct him because I hate him (he has no work ethic and isn't improving as fast as everyone else as a result) and so I don't want to be a dick to him

07/12/2015

Rather stay female

I’m scared that I’ll end up looking like so many trans guys I’ve seen online.
So many just seem to look like butch lesbians with deep voices. I wish I knew what I would look like post-transition. It’s something that is really putting me off coming out and transitioning…
I would rather stay female then get stuck in that weird in between.

06/12/2015

How to tell my wife?

I am so afraid of telling my wife that I want a male partner, even though we are in an open relationship. She doesn’t like cis men and is only attracted to a rare few trans men.

05/12/2015

Love and loss

Ten years ago I married the love of my life. As a woman. I’m so scared of losing what we have in the process of finding me.

04/12/2015

Extreme penis envy

Is it normal for me to have extreme penis-envy? Not even the physical aspect of having one but when my girlfriend hangs out with her guy friends I always get extreme anxiety that she will prefer them to me simply because they have what I don't. She's extremely loyal and loving towards me and I know she won't do anything, is it still normal to be envious of her guy friends?

03/12/2015

i just wanted her to like me

i met someone who i was instantly attracted to, she knows i’m trans.  i dont know how she thinks about me, but one night we were exchanging photos of ourselves.  she posted a naked one of her–covering up her nipples and with her legs closed.  i wanted to be close to her so i sent her a shirtless photo (i’m pre-top surgery).  and in the back of my mind, when we talk, i wonder if that changes how she looks at me.  (granted our first full conversation when we met was about bottom surgery) but i just feel like i got so vulnerable.  and i just want her to like me back and see these lumps as bags of fat–not the female anatomical word doctors use to label them.

02/12/2015

I'm 100% trans ftm

... but since I'm not able to come out to my family I always find myself still calling myself by my birth name, but I don't respond to it with others it's just a mistake but it makes my dysphoria flare so much.

01/12/2015

how i cope with my dysphoria

I am closet ftm but whenever I feel dysphoria I just search ppl who are transitioning that don't pass and look silly and I feel better about not coming out because ATLEAST I'm not embarrassing myself