I regret trying to work as a male.

I had an interview today to be a security guard. It’s my dream job, only beaten by maybe police officer and international superspy. (And yeah, I know, what an incredibly mundane dream, but eh. We can’t all be actors and presidents and superstars!) I had the interview in the bag, job was mine, I had been assured of this. I had only one step left. I leaned forward, and asked “Is it alright for me to be hired as a male?”

I’ve been living as a male full time except for work for, oh, two years now? I had always just dealt with being a female at work because money is important. Money leads to surgery and legal sex change. But lately I’ve decided that I want to be male everywhere I go. I hear of trans women having no problems in this regard, being gendered correctly as long as they made it known that was what they wanted, so why should I? I pass just fine.

Instead i got a stammering response and an obviously uncomfortable boss who didn’t know how to respond. He basically said he’d never dealt with this situation before, he’ll talk to HR, he doesn’t let his personal politics get into things, ect, ect. And the whole time a feeling of dread was growing in me. I had fucked up. I was finally going to get my dream job and I just had to open my stupid mouth and fuck it up.

I left with assurances i would get further information by e-mail for the next few steps. I haven’t received anything. I’ll wait until next Friday, then go back to looking for other work. 

It should have been a happy day for me. Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut and accept being called a girl, if only for a little while longer? Hell, I can’t even whine at my best friend and tell him what I did, because he’d basically tell me I was an idiot for trying. So I’m confessing it here, the fact I did it, and the fact I regret it with every fiber of my being.