I don't belong in this body, or in any other

(NSFW, cw masturbation mention, phantom penis, breasts discussion, packing)

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It’s probably something people say a lot, especially those of us here. But for me, I don’t understand top dysphoria because I don’t feel like I have a chest. I forget I have breasts. I literally do not realize they are there, they might as well be gone. I don’t know if it’s because of a physical nerve trauma I had as a child but I have almost no sensation in my breasts. I am a D cup but more often than not I am surprised when they get in my way. When I do bind (with sports bras because the fam doesn’t support… any of this which is partly my fault) the only relief is that they aren’t in the mirror and that they aren’t in the way. I don’t want to cut them off because to me they’re already gone. Even in a female/revealing swimsuit I don’t feel them. I feel my pecs, the muscles in my chest, not the flesh attached that hangs down.

But what I do feel, and it comes and goes, more strongly some days than others, sometimes I can go a whole day and it doesn’t cross my mind, is the bottom. I suppose if I analyze it, I don’t notice that I have female anatomy–I think I accepted a long time ago that I was born biologically female but that it didn’t feel right–but I do feel an intense lack of something. I feel crazy when I say it, but I would swear I have a penis and testes, the whole nine yards. Not “in addition to” having my female anatomy, it’s a non-entity in my mind, even when I pleasure myself, I can feel the reaction of what is my non-existent penis to stimuli and I can’t reconcile that with my logical mind. When I am acutely aware that my pants aren’t tight enough, that there’s a dip in the crotch, I adjust my position to try and make more room to try and make it so I can almost envision the packer I have hiding in my trunk under my bed taking the place of the feeling that I have that has no physical form. It’s always there though, in the back of my mind even if it’s not as strong as it has been other days.

When I pack, at home, in the wee hours while playing video games unable to hide my female voice to my dismay and having had too many medical issues to even consider hormones (I don’t react well to female hormones–birth control–I’d hate to see what happens on T) and had too many non-transition related surgeries to ever consider getting any (let alone finding a surgeon I trusted), it’s the closest I feel to being me.

I wish my voice was deeper, I wish I possessed male bottom anatomy, and I honestly wish that my breasts either had feeling so I could have an opinion on them or just go away, but I don’t feel like becoming a man would actually solve that. I was born biologically female. I don’t feel biologically female though, but I never would feel biologically male either. I don’t belong in my body, and I don’t know if I belong in any other.