What if they're right?

Some days, I just feel like I should pretend to be a girl. I've been told this is a phase..what if they're right? What if makeup, pretending to love my body, and acting like I'd love to be a mother someday will change this? I think about that a lot, I wish I wasn't this way. Some nights I find myself trying to act feminine, just to make my mother happy.

-G

Dysphoric sadness from dressing male models

I volunteered to help a friend out for an important local fashion show as a dresser (someone who dresses the models before they walk), and thought I'd be OK helping male and female models get dressed. I ended up dressing 3 guys, and ended up getting very self-conscious about not only my chest, but also my weight. They were all lean with straight bodies, while compared to mine it's all curves and varying thicknesses. The clothes I helped dress them in lay perfectly on them and I wished really hard those clothes could lie like that on my own body (I get really bad envy of FTM's who don't have such noticeable curves like mine). I wanted to leave at that moment because I felt the wave of dysphoric sadness rush over me... I stuck around though, because it was my friend after all, but it still weighs heavily on my mind.

From Atlanta, looking for friends

Hey there! Alex here; FTM and been on T for about 2ish years now, working on legally changing my name/sadly pre-op and from Atlanta looking for other trans men and LGBTQA+ people to get to know and talk to. Shoot me a message if you'd like a new friend on this blog or my transition blog; anupliftedevolution (tumblr)

This is what transition looks like for me

It bugs me so much when other guys assume I'm new to being trans just because I've only been on T for 8 months. Time on T does not equal time out of the closet!! I have been living full time as a man for years, I have my name legally changed, I navigate in male spaces seamlessly. My choice to wait to be on T has in no way delayed my transition. This is what transition looks like for me, it's different for everyone. There is not one right way/order/time to transition. It's all individual.

USA 

So close yet so far...

So I'm going to an endocrinologist... but it's not for hormones. It's for my messed up thyroid. My mom is taking me and I'm still not out to her as trans for safety reasons. I just find it cruel and ironic that I'm going to the doctor that could save me but I can't say anything. What I want will be in front of me but I can't reach out. It makes me feel helpless, hopeless, and disgusting.

United States

Losing hope

i'm losing hope. i came out, and while my friends have been supportive to their abilities, i lost my partner over it. i live in a small town, and my family is not very supportive, so i'm constantly being misgendered in public, by my friends, and at home. my mental illnesses have been so debilitating that i'm not in school and i haven't been able hold a job. i don't have any interests that motivate me for the future, there's nothing i want to do except run away. all i can think about is how complicated it is being trans to protect yourself legally, like switching your gender markers, changing your name, etc, and how it's going to take a long time before i could start T, and even longer trapped wearing a binder... i never wanted any of this. i didn't ask for this. i don't want this. i don't want to be alive anymore, and i don't know what to do.

USA 

I'm not "in the wrong body"

it bothers me when people (cis and trans) refer to me as "in the wrong body." surprisingly lots of trans guys do it, asking if i wished i was "born a real man" and i just feel so shitty... the reason it took me until the age of 18 to realize i'm a trans man is because everyone told me you had to feel like you were "a man in a female body." my body's completely male, even if i have major dysphoria; my parts aren't "wrong," just different. and they don't make me any less of a man. but it's hard to remember that when people both in and out of the community tell me otherwise :/ (USA)

Too self-conscious to make friends

My partner and I haven't been sexually intimate for a while but I've been very interested in hooking up with other people, especially because they have successfully formed intimate relationships with other people (we're poly). But whenever I imagine a scenario in which I'm meeting new people and getting to know them, I get too anxious wondering if I'll have to keep meeting people who don't understand my body and presentation as a trans man and don't respect my identity, and what if they think my stretch marks are gross or my shape is weird? What if my body hair confuses them? What if I'm not interesting? I'm lonely but I feel like I'm too self conscious to make friends.(USA)

I'm a "bad transsexual"

Non-dysphoria dysphoria

I'm a very feminine FTM to the point where I am scared of transitioning. I find my body beautiful, i'm afraid that transitioning to a more masculine body will make me ugly. But my assigned gender is so wrong to me, being called a girl or a woman makes me feel disgusting. I hate my breasts and my vagina, but I love looking feminine and pretty. To top it all off, i'm gay and I know 99.99% of cis gay men won't even consider me/ think i'm a liar / think i'm a "fag hag"
My mostly non body dysphoria and homosexuality makes me feel like i'm a "bad transexual" who will always be alone.  

Gonna make my own T

I'm planning on doing making and taking my own T. Everything I have read keeps saying I need to do it legit, but I just don't think I can wait anymore. I really hope it goes well.

I'm scared all the time

I wish I wasn't a guy so life would be easy. I feel like sometimes I'm lying to myself I'm a woman because I was born in this body and it would be easier. When I come out as a man....everyone will disown me. I might kill myself. I'm scared. All the time.....

James, USA

I have to get out

I need to transition, but I know that the moment I start, I'm going to lose my parents.  When I told them I had a girlfriend, my mom told me never to talk about it again, it was too much for them, I would ruin their reputation, and we haven't spoken about my life since then.

Every time I wear anything masculine, cut my hair, or accidentally reveal something that betrays my identity, I'm the instigator, I'm ""making waves"" and ""drawing attention"" to myself, and I'm guilt-tripped back into the closet.  I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm suffocating.

I've been planning for the past year and saving money, and the moment I'm financially stable, I'm going to cut ties.  I'm scared.  I don't know who's going to hire me or where I can live, but I have to get out.

[USA]

unsafe

I recently found out that my home will never be safe for me. I can't come out, nor can I express myself at all without the threat of "rebuilding my femininity". I'm so scared.

Family doesn't think I'm trans

In treatment for depression, I used my birth name for one month. That one month is all my parents needed to say I wasn't trans and that I was faking it and that it's a phase.

My mom won't let me go see an endocrinologist. My dad calls me 'butch'. My twin calls me my birth name and female pronouns.

Sometimes I can't wait to get to college, until I realize I'll probably end up looking like a baby boy with my pre-T face.

Gay FtM who likes his gay friend

So Im FTM Trans and gay, and there's a boy I like whom I've known for years (Im still pre-transition) And he came out as gay about a month ago.

how do I tell him I like him? I feel like I'd never be good enough, but I have the biggest crush on him that I can't ignore!!

I'd like to think that he would never judge me based on my genitalia, But I don't know. I've heard so many horror stories of trans men being hit on by cis gay men, only to have them find out and reject them..
Note: He knows I'm trans, and is very happy for me, and proud, Maybe 'm just too paranoid?

-thedancywolf

Want someone to talk to

I'm a pansexual transman on T now for 2.5 months and I want some advice and some fellow transmen to talk to about what is going on. Any GA transmen? Message me on my ftm blog anupliftedevolution

GA, USA

Privileged FTMS

My confession: Everyone wants to ignore race in America. But don't act like when you transition FTM and you are White, you actually earn more White Privilege. While on the other hand, you are black FTM you encounter even more discriminations. This is very maddening and makes me sick to my stomach!

My boyfriend may not be gay..

My boyfriend says he is bi and loves me. But I see him flirting with women, cis and trans, all the time.

He loved my top surgery, as did I, but now that I'm going on t, I fear my hairy stocky bald self (as all the men in my family are) will repulse him, as he likes androgynous pretty boys.

I still can't take one more day of being misgendered, and ill just have to deal with his disgust.

I am a gay masculine trans guy. He is fem and cis, and people always think he's gay. Meanwhile, I fear he's straight.

[melancholic trans boy, USA]      

The worst part

about being a trans man? Knowing I'll never be be 'right'. [~Ro, United States]

I have a lot of trouble

with the nonverbal communication of my trans-identity because I’m an effeminate dandy, but the thing is, that is still a MALE persona…but so few get that.

I find myself wanting to start T so that it will be easier to communicate my trans-identity to others, because people don’t seem to understand why the “girl” in the velvet tuxedo would want to be called “he.” But I feel like starting to physically transition solely out of frustration would be running away from something, and I’d rather run TOWARDS something, so I’m still waiting until I’m sure I’m ready for ME, and not for them.

[United States]